A Vacation After the World Ends / by Marc Cappelletti

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end of days, mayan calendar, apocalypse, Are you afraid that the end of days will cut into your ‘me’ time? Don’t want the extermination of mankind to kill your travel bug too? Listen, while no one knows what will happen when the Mayan calendar ends this month, one thing is for sure; when the dust settles, you’re going to need a vacation.

Welcome to Post-Apocalyptic AdventuresTM, the #1 (and only) choice for pleasure seeking survivors who refuse to let the upheaval of society leave them feeling down. A joint venture from veteran husband and wife travel agents, Dwayne and Nancy Nomap, Post-Apocalyptic Adventures will offer the most rewarding and worry-free, post-apocalyptic vacations packages for you and what will remain of your family.

Our go-anywhere fleet of reclaimed Soviet tanks provides industry leading comfort at refreshingly fair barter rates. And they really shine! While the 90mm gun turrets remain (we’ll need them in case of zombies) the tanks’ interiors have been fully refurbished, with adjustable climate controls, memory foam beds and bathrooms with Jacuzzi tubs guaranteed to put the spark back in your shell-shocked love life.  Larger tanks offer a fitness center and gift shop.

Where do you want to be when the Kraken appears? Or when six-inch sabre-toothed tigers and dung beetles with the faces of famous dictators emerge from the rift in the earth’s core? Pack your camera! From the safety of our rebar reinforced viewing hatches, you’ll have a front row seat to all the action! And how about exploring the once impenetrable Brazilian rain forest? Once the hoards of locusts have eaten through all of that tiresome vegetation, our touring tanks will roam freely, providing an exclusive, up close view that no one has ever seen before, and might not see again!

Our in-tank dining experience is to die for. (And you might!) Mouthwatering turkey dinners dripping with homemade gravy, vine ripened tomato salads, fresh, wild-caught Atlantic salmon—they will no longer exist.  But, with calorically adequate sustenance inspired by top military-rated survivalists, you'll enjoy delectable non-perishable protein powder dishes so scrumptious you’d swear they were made in a family-owned French bistro (before France is turned into the harvesting center for alien larva).  Breakfast, lunch and dinner—you’ll be begging for seconds. Literally, begging.

The heart and soul of Post-Apocalyptic Adventures are our beloved adventure guides.  This passionate group of retired correctional facility officers have unparalleled small group experience and will lead you, educate you, and fight for you if need be throughout your journey.  They’re incredible!  Each is well versed in cultural and natural history, and will gladly recite lines from Road Warrior whenever asked; making for great entertainment on what will surely be long, cold, silent nights.  Mel Gibson hologram projectors are available upon request.

Want to bring the kids?  Our adventure guides make excellent role models for any youngster wanting to make his or her mark among the next crop of lawless marauders.  Guides will gladly take your kids under their affixed, armored wings and share in coloring time, fire starting lessons, and scavenger hunts that really count.  And because we are deeply committed to our community, discounts are available for parents who choose to enlist their kids in the New World Army following the vacation.

We absolutely guarantee that these tours will satisfy every living soul, especially if there are only a few left!  But, if you’re still looking for more, please inquire about our Elite Package and add no-questions-asked concierge service, deep, deep tissue massages, open homemade moonshine bar, post-traumatic stress counseling and plush, four-star radiation-rated cotton robes to the tour of your choosing.  After all, the fall of civilization shouldn’t be uncivilized. (Moonshine and robes available while supplies last.)

Whatever your travel style and preference, Post-Apocalyptic Adventures can help you plan and purchase your dream vacation.  Space is limited and our first round of tours is filling up fast.  So book your post-apocalyptic adventure today, and hope that there’s a tomorrow to enjoy it!

First tours depart Dec 22, 2012, after the dust settles and before the oxygen runs out.