Is the current political climate getting you down? Are you afraid that scorched earth strategies will lead to an actual scorched earth? Do you wonder how a nuclear end of days will affect your me time? Listen, while no one knows how it will happen, one thing is for sure: when the world does end, you’re going to need a vacation.
Welcome to Scorched Earth AdventuresTM, the #1 (and only) choice for pleasure-seeking survivors who refuse to let the upheaval of society leave them feeling down. We offer only the finest and most worry-free post-apocalyptic vacation packages for you and what’s left of your family.
Whether you want to see the ruins of ancient Rome, ancient Greece, the ruins of New York City, Bejing, St. Petersburg, or the ruins of everywhere, really, Scorched Earth AdventuresTM can take you there.
Our fully-manned fleet of reclaimed military tanks provides industry leading comfort at refreshingly fair barter rates. And they really shine! While the 90mm gun turrets remain (you’ll need them) the tanks’ interiors have been fully refurbished with adjustable climate controls, memory foam beds and bathrooms with jacuzzi tubs sure to put the spark back in your shell-shocked love life.
Our in-tank dining experience is to die for. (And you might!) Mouthwatering turkey dinners slathered in homemade gravy, vine-ripened tomato salads, wild-caught Atlantic salmon—they will no longer exist. But, with caloric sustenance inspired by top military-rated survivalists, our non-perishable protein powder meal sticks are so deliciously edible that you’ll be begging for seconds. Literally, begging.
The heart and soul of Scorched Earth AdventuresTM are our beloved S.E.A. Guides. This passionate group of retired correctional facility officers have unparalleled small group leadership experience. They will inspire you, educate you, and fight to the death for you if need be. And if it’s entertainment you seek, every S.E.A. Guide comes ready to reenact scenes from such cinematic hits as Mad Max, The Road Warrior and The Day After. Great fun on what will surely be long, cold, silent nights.
Want to bring the kids? Of course, you might! Our S.E.A. Guides make excellent role models for any youngster wanting to make his or her mark among the next crop of lawless marauders. And because we believe in rewarding family values, discounts are available for parents who choose to pre-enlist their kids in the New World Army following their vacation.
We absolutely guarantee that these tours will satisfy every living soul. But, if you really want to impress whomever is left standing, sign up for our Elite Package and add no-questions-asked concierge service, a submersible vehicle, moonshine mini bar, post-traumatic stress counseling and plush, radiation-resistant cotton robes. After all, the fall of civilization doesn’t have to be uncivilized.
Whatever your travel style and preference, it won’t matter if this shit keeps up. So, call Scorched Earth AdventuresTM today. Space is filling fast!